My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
just left a huge legacy in there
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.