Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You Might Also Like
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.