If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My plans: 2020:
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department