Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
how high up are we talkin’?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.