One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
23. the denim jacket
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.