1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
who will stop them
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
DOOO EEEET
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’