Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.