My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no