Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.