How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
i did the math
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i