If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The pasta is now
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
this could fix me
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.