Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*