Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy