“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
When I snag the last meatball.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.