Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME