You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
12653.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.