The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card