For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..