[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again