his wife is probably gonna see that
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Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not