DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh