I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not