Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.