Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Very problematic
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.