*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
This did not end as expected.