[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.