[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
ugh not again
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Inside you there are two wolves
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way