If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES