MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.