Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You Might Also Like
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
(by @ZachWeiner )
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
we’re gonna need another temp
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.