To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?