[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?