Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
bout dat hot dog summer
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.