Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Smile they said.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes