Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.