Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me too 😆
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song