Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk