WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way