adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread