Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
awesome draft from months ago i just found
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.