just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
be careful
Incredible customer service.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
This kinda thing happens to me often