her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).