[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Home is where your toilet is.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I bet birds love this building.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT