My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….