*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.