Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.