where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.