I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
When your best mate counts as a desk too
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road