The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do