[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.